


Slay Queen

by thorssmile



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, Funny, I do not remember writing this, Jaime is a thirsty ho, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 19:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14527935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorssmile/pseuds/thorssmile
Summary: Jaime was a thirsty ho. But only for the one possessed his heart: Sean Bean Stark.This is not serious  (if you couldn't tell) and I don't actually remember writing this.





	Slay Queen

One day in the beautiful season 1 King's landing, Jaime sat there with a huge hairbrush, making sure he looked dapper af. His hair was important to him- but not the most important. It was a mask that concealed his true feelings. No one could see his desire behind those frisky golden locks. You see, Jaime had been in love for years.

In love with Sean Bean Stark.

It was a great sin, and Jaime knew this, for the universe had made it so "Sean" and "Bean" do not rhyme. This meant Sean was a social outcast. He was never invited to lamb sacrifices as a 2 year old. 

So Jaime could never let anyone know he was in love with a pronunciation anomaly. He'd have to cover it up...

By fucking his sister instead, fml. 

As Jaime brushed his corny mane, King Robert Baratheon rolled into the Throne Room on his portable bed, and to no surprise, he was eating. Jaime rolled his eyes, but he felt his heart begin to run like a gazelle being chased by a lion (it would actually be a lioness, but Jaime wasn't a feminist). Sean Bean Stark was there. Omfg.

Jaime felt an undeniable attraction to Sean Bean. Maybe it was his eyes, or maybe because he spoke like he was from the north of England (which doesn't exist). Or maybe it's maybelline. 

He could stare at him forever without blinking, but then his eyes would dry up and he could potentially grow blind. 

"Mah King, we should start plannin' for battuhl" Seen Bean spoke. 

"Eh" said Robert, eating.

Then, the earth began to tremble. Babies were heard crying within a 60 mile radius. The scream of the Mountain was unmistakable. That song from star wars was playing  (DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN). that could only mean one thing...

Jerkrey Baratheon was here. Jamie's nephew... and son... incest is complicated, okay? 

The young prince walked in, wearing his converse trainers and hollister hoodie.  

"Father?" The little shit asked.

"Yes?" Jaime replied. Oh shit. Jerkrey looked at him, confuzzled. 

"Uhh... I thought you said... Arthur... old nickname..."

Luckily, Jerkrey was a dumb fuck and believed his Dad-Uncle. 

"Anyway, King Robert, I wanna go to war"

"With who?" Sean asked (and Jaime sighed. God he was a hot piece of ass).

"Anyone, and I wasn't asking you, I was asking the king... FATHER?!?!"

"Eh" said Robert, eating.

"Coolio Mongoolio. Also, I wanna marry Sansa"

All of a sudden, the automatic doors to the Throne Room opened. In came Petyr Bae, riding in on his gold pimpy hoverboard.

"AHHHH, I HEARD THE NAME SANSA. SHE LOOKS LIKE HER MOTHER. IN ANOTHER LIFE SHE MAY HAVE BEEN MY CHILD. SHE WILL BEAR MY CHILDREN."

"wtf" said Sean (perfectly).

Cersei (who was there all along, apparently) said, "oh, we don't need to hear how you want to 'little-finger" her. Get it? I made a fingering joke-"

"EH!" shouted Robert, eating.

Suddenly, the Pink Panther music came on and Varys (sneaky bald guy) danced in. 

"I AM UNABLE TO FINGER ANYONE-"

"well, you can-"

"FOR I HAVE NO DICK. I AM DICKLESS. NO DICKY. NO DICK VAN DYKE." Varys screamed. 

Pedophile Baelish then rammed Varys over with his hoverboard several times.

"My King," he spoke "I will escort Varys out."

"Eh" said Robert, eating.

Then petyr left, which no one cared about cause fuck him.

Jaime was glad that was over, he could return to his steamy fanart. He was drawing a picture of him and Beany doing pottery together. Damn, so sexy.

Jaime turned with a flourish, and caught Sean Bean staring at him with his beautiful beady eyes. Omg was this really happening. He was staring at him so intently, Jaime felt like he was going to spontaneously combust.

Beany Ned started to stride over to Incest McGee, and his heart was going at 345000 bpm. His walk oozed confidence, confidence that he wouldn't die any time soon (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha).

Jaime was fangirling. Hard. He hadn't felt this happy since Joffrey has stubbed his toe on a metal pole in 7th grade. 

Heinz Bean reached Jaime, and slowly began to caress his Prince Charming face. Wowzers. This was smoking hot. 

As he saw Sean's dry, crusty lips moving towards him, he thought he was going to explode. 

He did.

Jaime burst. Right there. On the spot.

The liquids that had secreted from this eruption were ominous, just like the phrasing of this sentence. 

Mr Bean found himself covered in the sticky substance. 

"Well, guess I'll never get to kiss the love of my life." 

From the corner of the room, Pycelle clapped his hands on glee. Wiping a single tear from his eye, he sighed. 

"Ah, Brokeback Mountain is better than I remembered."

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. That was a lot.
> 
> I found this on my phone, I don't remember this at all. I promise you my normal writing isn't like this. What I do know is that totally stole the "said Robert, eating" off jacksfilms, and for that I can only apologise.


End file.
